My psych meds kill my soul. They add a layer of toxicity to my energetic system that takes near constant alchemical work to transform. They distort my soul’s onboard navigation. So in order to remain centered and clear on my path, I have to work to listen to the world around me and to transform the negative effects. I will never be as clear as someone who is not on meds. But does that mean that I do not have a message to be heard or support to be offered? No. In fact with so many people around the world being put on psych meds, I think I hold a very important key to navigating this brave new world. And that key is my own experience with alchemical healing...of soul work.
So why take meds at all? For those who have never navigated altered mental states it may seem like a poor decision. It is one that I definitely fought for years. And it is one that I may reverse some day. For now I know that my meds allow me to navigate the ordinary world in a way that I would not be able to without them. I wouldn’t be able to have a regular job, which means I wouldn't be able to support myself in a way that has allowed for my learning from many of the influential teachers on my path. Staying oriented to normal time and space continuum is challenging for me without meds. It is hard for me to even remember what is me and what is the rest of the world. Boundaries and protection are nonexistent. I walk with a permeability that is risky at best and a complete hazard to my own existence at worst.
So the meds have their place.
Why not work on boundaries and strengthen my system until it is strong enough to not be on meds? People with a higher level of spiritual mastery have often viewed me with pity or concern because I have not developed a strong energetic body. The meds deplete what is already depleted. However, I am one who does not force practices on myself. There was a time where I naturally had a daily yoga and meditation practice and it still didn’t prevent me from psychosis. I’ve come to accept that I have a certain “way” and that way is a bit more challenging and requires different kind of work to maintain. It is this respect of individual paths that I bring to my work with others. The trick is to find your way and walk it.
So for me my way requires a LOT of internal processing of poisons. From my meds to all of the junk I absorb from the outside world, I am constantly working to remember my truth and my path in the sea of muck. The alchemical process of changing the lead in my system into gold has been critical for my health. And there are days where I am closer to the lead and days where I am closer to the gold.
Perhaps some day I will obtain a higher level of mastery where I will get to lay down some of the struggle. Some level of alchemical work will always be there… otherwise one is at true homeostasis, which is death. Until then, I offer my insight into the struggle as my unique balm for the world.
All the parts of me
One interesting side effect of deep animism and ancestral work is that you start to also see various parts of your own self that may be less known to you.
As I connect to more entities in the spirit realm, I am also deepening my practice of ritually tending energetic space and boundaries. There are often times where I am working to “clear” my space and there has been a flag that has gone up saying, this oddball energy you are sensing is actually part of you that was activated and brought to the surface by the other entities you were working with. This is an opportunity for more integration. I recently had an energy that was “scatting” song and sort of dancing around energetically after some ritual work and when I asked it to head out of my space there was a “well look at this, this is part of you” message that came through from my "guidance system." My interaction with this entity slowed down and I asked to know more about this part and, as it wasn’t integrated, to see what it needed and how I could better bring it forward into my life. I have a practice of ritually channeling spirit through voice/song/chant and dance and the energy requested that I make conscious effort to channel it.
What doesn’t get integrated can often become demonized. I could have easily met this part of me with distrust and negativity, which would have resulted in a similar level of negativity...pitting part against part. Animism work is about coming back to wholeness. That doesn’t mean that boundaries and becoming clear energetically aren’t important… no real form of love or deep relationality can be complete without a sense of sovereignty, boundaries and firm love which can sometimes be expressed through anger or even force. We need our inner mama bears. But true relational skill comes when we can discern the times when we need to unleash that inner mama bear and when we need to employ our inner diplomat.
If you want to explore the inner parts of you, do reach out!
My thoughts on the path of deep animist relationship