My psych meds kill my soul. They add a layer of toxicity to my energetic system that takes near constant alchemical work to transform. They distort my soul’s onboard navigation. So in order to remain centered and clear on my path, I have to work to listen to the world around me and to transform the negative effects. I will never be as clear as someone who is not on meds. But does that mean that I do not have a message to be heard or support to be offered? No. In fact with so many people around the world being put on psych meds, I think I hold a very important key to navigating this brave new world. And that key is my own experience with alchemical healing...of soul work.
So why take meds at all? For those who have never navigated altered mental states it may seem like a poor decision. It is one that I definitely fought for years. And it is one that I may reverse some day. For now I know that my meds allow me to navigate the ordinary world in a way that I would not be able to without them. I wouldn’t be able to have a regular job, which means I wouldn't be able to support myself in a way that has allowed for my learning from many of the influential teachers on my path. Staying oriented to normal time and space continuum is challenging for me without meds. It is hard for me to even remember what is me and what is the rest of the world. Boundaries and protection are nonexistent. I walk with a permeability that is risky at best and a complete hazard to my own existence at worst.
So the meds have their place.
Why not work on boundaries and strengthen my system until it is strong enough to not be on meds? People with a higher level of spiritual mastery have often viewed me with pity or concern because I have not developed a strong energetic body. The meds deplete what is already depleted. However, I am one who does not force practices on myself. There was a time where I naturally had a daily yoga and meditation practice and it still didn’t prevent me from psychosis. I’ve come to accept that I have a certain “way” and that way is a bit more challenging and requires different kind of work to maintain. It is this respect of individual paths that I bring to my work with others. The trick is to find your way and walk it.
So for me my way requires a LOT of internal processing of poisons. From my meds to all of the junk I absorb from the outside world, I am constantly working to remember my truth and my path in the sea of muck. The alchemical process of changing the lead in my system into gold has been critical for my health. And there are days where I am closer to the lead and days where I am closer to the gold.
Perhaps some day I will obtain a higher level of mastery where I will get to lay down some of the struggle. Some level of alchemical work will always be there… otherwise one is at true homeostasis, which is death. Until then, I offer my insight into the struggle as my unique balm for the world.
I take a pragmatic approach to my mythic weaving of reality. This means that I integrate contradictory realities to develop a stable reality that holds space for paradox. There may be oppositional explanations, but I remain true to my foundations. I recently attended a webinar from a therapist who has been using cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) for acute psychosis. There has been an idea in psychiatry that you can’t reason with someone in psychosis, so CBT is ineffective. But what this therapist has found is that when approached in an experience-affirming way, CBT can help someone see how their interpretations are part of creating the reality they are experiencing and that they have the power to shift those perceptions. If someone is seeing anxiety-inducing entities, they might not be able to stop the visions, but they can explore different interpretations or ways of interacting with those visions that reduce the anxiety, which often reduces or changes the visions. This is a psychiatric example of the fact that we are co-conspirators in shaping our reality.
I believe strongly that there is medicine in the personal myth we create. Shamans build an entire history through their journey work that is not verifiable in consensus reality. There may be synchronicities that confirm their mythos, but their mythos is their personal experience to tend. So what is the difference between this and delusion? I would argue that developing a strong mythos includes a process of initiation and the development of a body-level intuition. Delusional states often come because someone is experiencing an aspect of reality that they have not been fully initiated into. Initiation is a process of awakening and clarifying one’s perceptions while dismantling previous perceptions. I often find through an initiation process that what I thought was one thing is revealed to be something else entirely. For instance, if I perceive a dark, dense energy as evil and leave it at that, then I can remain in a state of delusion with this thing haunting me. But if I invite a deeper communication with this energy, I can discover that this is a powerful entity that I was fearful of because of its power, so I painted it in a dark shroud to protect myself. Upon closer investigation, it actually could be an entity that could be a great ally. This isn’t always the case, practicing good boundaries is a critical part of personal evolution, but this is just an example of a possible scenario where facing our fear and leaning into it with curiosity benefits our process. And it clarifies our intuition.
That is the second piece of discerning myth versus delusion. Intuition. Specifically, embodied intuition. Where do I feel the perception I am having in my body? Am I grounded, centered, clear? Meditational movement practices like authentic movement are supportive for developing this type of intuition. Practices of deepening perception in the body are in themselves a kind of initiation. They awaken and clarify. When a perception is woven into your core in a field of stability and goodness, you are tapping into an innate co-creative ability that humans have the potential for with the unseen realms as our partners.
And then there is the role of pragmatism. I grew up in a science-oriented household and while I believe science is limited in its understanding and is incomplete, I do not refute good science. In matters of whether we should get an experimental vaccine or not, I say that we just don’t know enough to say it is safe, but my personal safety in this case is not more important than the safety of the larger world around me. Pragmatic. I also like the way that I can move through the world with a bit more confidence with the vaccine. This could be a false confidence but, like a placebo, I’m willing to take it if it improves the quality of my life, and the lives of others, in a significant way. I’m not bothered by our lack of knowing the truth to a definite degree - that is a given in this world - and my body is strong, so I believe in its adaptability. There are those who may assess that their body is not strong enough to adapt and so it is up to them to decide if they take what is a larger risk to them than it is to me by taking the vaccine.
This ability to flow between knowns and unknowns is a key part of living from a mythic and intuitional place with integrity. I am co-creating my reality and I am clear that I am doing so. So what reality do I want to co-create? One of paranoia that denies science? Or one that supports the concerns of those who are wary of science as much as the integrity of the scientists. I choose to weave my reality in the spaces giving grace for the unknown. The unknown is truly the only place that the real exists. We like to think in terms of certainties, but life is one huge uncertainty.
There is a group of women who wish to visit Point White Horn where my fae partner lives. There is an essence of this field trip that feels like it could legitimize or delegitimize my personal experiences with this land. I don’t think this is the intention of these women, but there is the potential of their experiences either affirming or denying my own or influencing my experiences for the positive or the negative. I can understand their curiosity about a place where someone is weaving a great personal myth. When collectively recognized, these can become power places. But my strong belief of the imaginal is that it is very personal and I know that one enters a space with one’s own openness, prejudices and assumptions based on one’s character and experience. Their experience can never match my own, because they do not have my unique heart or soul. But they have their own uniqueness, so I have great curiosity about what their experiences will be.
My fae partner has shared that one of the attractions to me was my openness of heart. I trusted my heart and the connection I sensed. It didn’t mean there weren’t struggles as we established our relationship, but even these struggles deepened our connection over time with a building trust through a generous amount of curiosity.
And it is my open heart and soul that has been the foundation of my creation of relationship with this land. There was a comment on the picture of a tree from this land that remarked that there was an energetic “war” happening there. I have been aware of this sort of struggling activity between different conscious energies there, but I have not made it the focus of my energies there. My fae partner has remarked that my open heart, love and joy is the best balm for the energies there, more so than any actions taken out of concern. I practice a stance of reconciliation and emergence with all I do, even when I face struggles, and my relationship with the land is no exception. However, these direct comments about the land were like an initiation for me, I am seeing with more clarity a reality that I was previously leaving below the surface and now I get to discern how to interact with that reality.
Weaving with the unseen is a personal quest that often says more about you than it does any tangible reality. If your experience of the unseen is filled with shadow and terror, there is likely shadow and terror in you that needs to be addressed or within your lineage or within the community you reside. In this way, whatever is revealed during the excursion to the land with these women will be a bigger reflection of those who undertake the excursion than the veracity of my own experience.
There are times like this where external experiences can cause confusion or chaos to a familiar part of my connection to the unseen world and what always resolves that confusion is grounding back into the pragmatic idea that I am co-creating this reality, so I can choose which version of the chaotic jumble of potential realities to subscribe to. And I let my body and it’s foundational sense of goodness guide the reality that I form. This could be described as intuition, but when most say intuition they picture a sense that is sensing the truth of a matter. I see it as a sense that is creating the truth of a matter for one’s personal mythos. Honing that sense is a lifelong process. And this is why inner work is so critical on the path. If your insides are messy, your intuition is messy as well. My intuition has developed more depth and nuance over the years and this has been due to both inner work, initiatory experiences as well as practice. My authentic movement practice has been foundational to the development of my intuition. It helps me clear out the detritus and hone in on the good wisdom of my body.
This good wisdom of the body is the biggest boon given to us humans. It is our window into the unseen from a pragmatic way. And so violations of the body are extra disturbing in their affect of this critical connection. This is part of why there is so much concern over the vaccine and its potential affects to the intuition of our body. But I have seen that when people reclaim this wisdom even after violation they hold it even more deeply. We are resilient. We are adaptable. I respect the intuition of my body even though it is filled with all sorts of modern toxins from every day living as well as the pharmaceuticals I am required to take. This is life on poisoned land.
I consider myself a psychonaut because I am always journeying to places where consciousness meets the seen and the unseen realms and paying attention to how these all interact. If there is one thing to take away from this exploration, it is that pragmatic, embodied goodness can get you far on this journey. I wish you safe and profound travels through the inner realms.
There is a secret world that floats beneath the surface of the one we mostly collectively recognize. I call it the imaginal realm, but it has had different names in different cultures, dream time, magical realm, collective unconscious, faerie realm, mythic or archetypal realm. Each name has a different nuance, but they are all pointing to a similar idea, that there is a place that our soul can access that glides silently behind the ordinary world. I name this the imaginal realm because it is so interwoven with imagination. It is this place that our prayers, intentions, imaginations access to find inspiration and to move blockages impeding our path. It is this place that the shaman accesses to find strength and helpers as well as perform healing for themselves, another person, or the collective.
There was a time when those who were able to access this realm were initiated by an elder and shown ways to navigate this world. But in the modern world those guides are few and far between and so most are relegated to finding their own way, mostly disastrously, through already troubled ground.
The imaginal realm has always been fraught with fierce archetypal entities, the things that lie in the subconscious of our collective minds, the impulses that cause us to act out the most instinctual parts of being human, desire, love, rage, jealousy, revenge, grief. So it has always been a pretty gnarly place to navigate and every shamanic tradition has some sort of guidance for navigating this space safely. But those in the modern western culture who have shamanic tendencies not only usually step into this world by accident without any sort of guidance, but also are required to deal with a modern version of this realm where knots tied by our culture’s impact on the unconscious become extra slippery. The path for healing and the role of the healer in this context begs for a level of clever awareness most of the uninitiated are not able to rise to.
I was one of the uninitiated plunged head first into the imaginal realm during my first trip to India. There I met people who are working with that realm to serve their own nefarious purposes, praying on the unaware. If there is something to abuse, humans have found a way to do it. I was ripe for initiation, my soul had been in deep grief for the loss of a friend and mentor for a couple of years and then the physical separation from my love partner during an incredibly creative period of my life sent me riding waves of sublime highs and crashing lows, sometimes in the same moment. My soul had expanded to encompass more of the human experience and it was this expansion that allowed for the alchemizing drop of initiation to take hold. The drop came in the form of a deluge, really. India was that deluge. The roller coaster of internal emotions I had been experiencing for months prior to my trip were exploded out around me. Life and death danced in a chaotic fury in the streets. My soul had found a new home. And so India brought me deeper into herself. A press of the center of my palm while exchanging money at the produce seller jolted something awake in my energetic body. And I began to dance. Life shifted into a dream and I walked through synchronicities and experiences that made only half sense to my mind but felt importantly potent to my soul. I could no longer keep to a clock, but I lived to the heartbeat of a different time, much older.
This dream state slowly turned to nightmare. I got sick and my body weakened. My neighbors’ care for me felt manipulative and one night one of them asked bluntly if I had anxiety. I had never felt that in my life but as soon as he said it my heart started racing and panic filled me. I knew I must leave. I initially went on a chaotic flight around town trying to find a place that felt safe, almost hopping on a train for Mumbai, a city I would later live in for four years.
But finally I knew I needed to get help. A coworker helped me obtain a ticket home and I left the next day. I knew I was in a vulnerable spiritual state and so I performed my first act of magic. I asked that no one who could harm me see me. It was strange to be in an airport full of people and to see people blindly walking past me. But the imaginal realm needs no eyes to find you. My anxiety found me through blind manipulations of what I can best describe as “sentries” for the many layers of the bardo. I exposed myself by answering their blind inquiries. One tried to find me by inquiring to a woman sitting next to me about my flight. Another made broad statements about religion to the crowd knowing that his words were like invisible arrows initiating a rise in fear in me. Finally the anxiety became too much and I tipped my hand. I acted on an urge to leave my belongings behind and was arrested by airport security ending up first in a terrorist detention center and then in a mental hospital.
This was my initiation and it ended with a diagnosis of bipolar disorder and a sentence to taking meds for the rest of my life.
I often wonder if my entrée into the world of what is labeled “madness” would have been different if it had been sacredly held by someone. If I had been guided. But this was my fate and a well that I have learned to drink deeply from.
I’ve been to the mental hospital three times and each time I sense the sanity of the people there. They are simply reacting in a very raw and real way to the insanity of our culture. Most people don’t realize how complicit they are with the insanity, but I have met people who are channels for the collective unconscious without any awareness of what they are doing. I’ve also met people who are channels for other beings without their awareness. We are breath-close to the unseen world, interwoven with it. And the detritus that we feed our minds is the detritus that becomes a living throbbing being in the imaginal. Like the space junk that now orbits the earth, we now have a collective consciousness that is filled with junk. But it is not inert junk. It lives and breathes and weaves, collecting power and ability. The ancient ones knew this. They told the myths of these archetypal beings and created temples and shrines in their honor. What they may not have understood was that they were co-creating these beings as they worshipped them. They were complicit in giving those energies form in the collective mind.
And so along comes the monotheistic religions and all the sudden the conscious relationship to archetypes gets monocropped, and as no one entity can do a good job of capturing the complexity of what happens in the imaginal, we start to repress parts of our collective psyche, demonizing them or shaming them. Then secularism declares that the archetypal realm never existed in the first place and so most of what happens there is now unconsciously made. We only see it when it emerges in some select few as madness. Then we suppress it with chemicals, sweeping it back under the rug.
My extended family implied that I was possessed after my first manic episode. In a way they were right. I had been opened to the consciousness of the other world. But it was our own collective mind that I was experiencing, not some outside hellish demon. I was experiencing our family’s own struggling soul, so possessed with a puritanical need for perfection that all else becomes demonized. And this is a micro level example of what is happening on a macro level in society.
Teilhard de Chardin wrote about the noosphere, a collective “mind” that surrounds the earth like our atmosphere. This exists and those who have experienced madness have peered into what is held there. It isn’t pretty. But if we are anything, we are a creative creature and there are those who tend this realm. Be it the monk that meditates or the nun that prays or the psychonaut who journeys or the dancer who authentically moves or the artist who passionately creates, we can open our minds and bodies to tend this space of collective consciousness.
We also have the gift of the earth in all of this tending. One misperception is that the imaginal realm is only the construct of human minds. But any good shaman will tell you that the greatest gift are the non-human beings that inhabit the space with their consciousness. A tree, a mountain, a lake, a little weed, an owl, a coyote, all these are part of this realm and can act as guides and wisdom keepers. We have allies, even though we are killing them off. The natural diversity of a place is one of the greatest boons our consciousness has been given. And our connection to it is infinitely precious. You do not have to be a shaman to experience the benefits of being in nature, immersing oneself in the consciousness of the natural world. It is not just the benefit of fresh air and the disconnection from electronics, there is something more happening to our minds when we step outdoors.
And when we look at who has access to nature through an equity lens we also see how the people without access are also the people who are already facing the challenges of historical trauma compounded by modern day prejudice (from systemic racism to daily microaggressions). These community members are forced to hold a very big piece of the disturbed collective mind. But as one who has struggled with madness, I know too that there is a resilience that comes from these struggles. Those that face challenges are asked to make a more perilous journey, and some do not make it, they may get caught up in the whirlpools of substance abuse and insanity, but those that do make it come out with a strength, clarity and wisdom that others will never have. This is the poisoned apple that does not kill, but rather initiates one into a deeper hold on the full dynamics of what it means to be human. As others navigate life half awake, the gift and burden of awake-ness offers an opportunity to tend this poisoned world in more profound ways.
My thoughts on the path of deep animist relationship